Does it work?
Why the Golden Rule Fails 70% of the Time (And What to Do Instead)
We all grew up hearing it: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”
It sounds right. It sounds kind.
But in real life, it only works about 30% of the time.
Here’s why: the Golden Rule assumes other people want what you want. Most of the time, they don’t. They communicate differently, react differently, and have completely different expectations than you do.
When you treat people based on your preferences, you’re not being considerate. You’re guessing.
A Quick Example
Think about someone who loves to dish it out. They give blunt feedback. They joke hard. They speak their mind and assume everyone else is fine with it.
But the moment someone sends that same energy back their way, it feels offensive or “too much.”
That disconnect is the Golden Rule in action. It assumes your style works for everyone because it works for you. Most of the time, it doesn’t.
What the Research Shows
About 70% of breakdowns in communication, expectations, and relationships come from this one assumption:
“I assume others think and respond the way I do.”
You see it in:
Feedback
Boundaries
Tone
Recognition
Decision-making
Stress reactions
The Golden Rule uses your lens instead of theirs.
A Better Standard: The Platinum Rule
“Treat others the way they want to be treated.”
It’s a small shift in words and a huge shift in impact.
When you stop assuming and start understanding, leadership, communication, and relationships get clearer and stronger.
This is where tools like the Birkman Method change the game. Instead of guessing how people want to be treated, you learn it. You can see:
Who needs direct feedback and who needs a softer approach
Who likes public recognition and who prefers a quiet thank-you
Who wants time to think and who likes to talk things out
Who needs structure and who thrives in flexibility
Without that insight, even good intentions can miss the mark.
Leadership Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All
When leaders say, “Well, that wouldn’t bother me,” they’re proving the point. Their personal tolerance or style isn’t the standard other people live by.
If your goal is to build trust, keep good people, improve performance, lower friction, and strengthen culture, you can’t rely on the Golden Rule and hope you’re landing the right way. The Platinum Rule takes out the guesswork.
Where My Work Comes In
I partner with leaders, boards, and teams to help them understand how people are wired and how to work with those differences instead of around them. When people feel understood, they communicate better, perform better, and stay longer. The culture improves without forcing it.
Treating people the way they need to be treated is not about being softer. It is about being smarter. And it starts with replacing assumptions with insight.
